She says she'll fight to the death, I say
I'll fight for her to WANT that one last breath,
I'd fight for you to see
that there are reasons you should breathe,
there's a life you should continue to lead
and sometimes, you just have to BE
and not say goodbye, when I dont know how to let you leave

The bathroom sink bleeds,
the safetypin from my shirt unsticks
when I run to the bathroom, as my insides twist,
trigger, BREATHE,
needle between my fingers
I throw fear into my wrist
with a force of determination to be reckoned with
in a throw of desperation
we're screaming with a cry to the skies
for salvation
drowning in a long lost homosapien nation
that sinks as it dies from psychological starvation

and my logic says to tell her that it's my blood on the bathmat
while my instinct says i'm here to help with where SHE'S at,
and I dont need to say what's wrong with me,
because I dont want her to die,
and I cant stand the look in the eyes of people wanting to help who CANT,
so I bury it, and stand, my
hero complex beats the shit out of my own cries for help
so I quiet my own destruction
in hopes of removing this obstruction between her and the rest of her life
as we try our hardest to build up this strife
to feel ok.

and I cant make these urges to die
go away,
all I can do is pray,
to everything I've ever believed in,
the god& goddess entrusted with my faith,
hope there's an end in sight to this race for a worthy fate
play my king of spades
still wishing that life wont trump me with a diamond ace blade
of self loathing heartache hate
tell me this is some kind of an even debate
tell me it's possible to win at this game,
tell me there's no shame
in taking the blame for our own big mistakes.

Claiming that it's ok
to accept pain that is not ours to take,
while this trauma life brings can scrape
down your bones like it owns you,
embedded in these rusted drug rakes
that tear into you while the sky shifts and the earth shakes
beneath you,
the bearers of trauma unsheath their swords
lowly humans that fight with distrust and discord
while the rust on these blades
turn my words rearranged
into a brand new kind
of suicide.

and I'm not blind,
so i'm worried that you wont survive,
i know better than to trust that
things will be alright
when they WONT,
she takes hold of the blade in her mind,
I say "DONT."
because I promise that I'll miss you,
if you go,
and I only wish I could show
that you're more than this to me.

And if you end up lost in sounds
end up six feet in the ground
if you JUST CANT stick around,
I'll still be there.
and I'll still care.

i may lose my comprehension
i may forget my good intentions
but I have been in your hell,
and if all that I can do to try and help
is wish you well,
then it wont make much of a difference
and it wont heal your wounds,
but if i could,
I SWEAR
I'd take this hurt away from you.
and if I had the slightest clue,
if I knew at all what i should do,
then i'd find a way to get you through.

i promise i mean it,
i promise it's true,
but from the lives we've lived, I understand,
promises are known to come unglued.
and even if I traded my superglue for cement,
you might never understand what I meant
when I said that I'm SORRY.

because
it's all just one big waiting game,
and scars mean we'll never be the same
this energy exchange that happens in our hands
as we attempt to take a stand against that which cannot be broken
by god or man,
a flow of electricity that ranges so far from simplicity that i cant
attempt to explain it,
it's all i can do to restrain this rage
threatening to break loose when i see those i care about
feel pain
it runs through my veins like a drug
leaving bloodstains on the rug
as we struggle for self inflicted escape
and this time, Superboy's cape doesnt cut it
this door is stuck, i cant shut it

and i've said more times than I could repeat,
that even when all you can feel is defeat,
i will be there
regardless of the weapons you wield to scare me,
doing your best to use triggers you know will tear me
open, you've spoken
words meant to hurt
and i stayed,
you should know now,
there isnt a way
you can push me to leave you on your own
i know all to well what it's like to feel completely alone
and you've shown me
that you expect it anyways,
and in any case
you're doing back flips
to tolerate hardships
bracing your locked lips
just to impress our makers
enough to leave them, not wanting to take us
from the world we so solely despise
but this inevitable demise
is a suspendable surprise meant to wait
untill we've seen our last rise and fall
untill we've gained and lost it all

but i want you to know
and i NEED you to see
that you will never
in life or death

mean anything less
to me.